I wasn’t going to write at all this week, but here I am & I’ll get around to why. The last few weeks have left me really struggling. You know, those times when you banish one defeating thought & two or three come back. “You’re not doing anything with your life. What’s happening to me? What if I never get better & can never do all those things I want to do? What am I supposed to be doing & how can I do it? I can’t do anything right now. You’ve failed; you’re a failure.”
I realized just how much I am struggling with this situation. It’s been eating at me that I truly don’t know what to do. It’s been a month of frustrations that I’m not handling this better, guilt for not serving & being all I ought to, disappointment as I’m reminded of the differences my life holds now, fear of a diagnosis or a lack thereof, helplessness as the symptoms multiply, worry for the future, grief for lost plans & experiences, & confusion as I’m still without much purpose or direction.
The point is that I’ve felt a little lost. I feel as though I’ve failed in some way & fail again each time I think, “well I could do this, or maybe this”… And realize that no, right now I cannot, I can’t do much of anything. I’ll tell myself it’s not a big deal, that maybe I’m making mountains out of mole hills, but the reality is that I’m sick.
I’m sure you can see why I generally refrain from writing when I feel like this, but the point is, it’s been a struggle lately. Yesterday was especially difficult & I was feeling the weight of all I am not at the moment. It’s been a long time searching for some peace, but it came & continues in quiet moments. A few days ago quiet Cache Valley watched a thunderstorm roll over. It was raining so hard the gutter looked like a waterfall, the street a river, & the lawn a lake. Thunder would crack & the sky would light up every few seconds. I found so much peace in that storm, out on the porch standing for the longest I have since I’ve been home, watching chaos & simultaneously feeling more peace than I could invite the last few days with songs of praise, conference talks, & studying the scriptures. It was such a small reassurance that we can find happiness, gratitude, & peace in times of trouble.
I’m confident the Lord is aware of us. He knows us, & He’s well aware of our difficulties. That storm was a tender mercy in my life, a lesson & reminder of what the Gospel can offer us. So, keep on keepin’ on.