[ But If Not ]
I was hoping to sneak home & sneak back before anyone knew, but I guess nothing stays too quiet & you can’t hide forever.
The past few months in Chile were nothing I’d expected, yet more than I imagined. Such joy is found in sharing the thing that makes you whole. Several weeks into that experience I became ill. I began to experience extreme fatigue, fainting, body aches, lost function in my hands, & a multitude of other symptoms. I tried to fight through it.
Sadly, over the weeks as my heart grew for those people & that place, my health declined, making it so, so hard to work how I wanted to & even harder to leave.
So I’m home now, trying to do & be what I was doing & being there. I’ve seen several doctors & went to the infectious disease clinic this week. We were thinking I had parasites, but they’re not too confident anymore. We’re waiting on some tests & hoping it’s nothing too serious or permanent because it takes a while to get into a neurologist.
People keep asking me what the plan is, & I tell them they’re asking the wrong person, because I’m definitely not in charge. If I was I’d still be in Chile. Maybe in a wheelchair, but I’d be there.
All I know is that although sometimes I hesitate, I trust Him & His plan for me. It’s a difficult path to walk, but I still know what I’ve always known. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is my anchor & at the end of the day all my heart wants is to do what He wants.
I’m learning that’s rarely what I want or expect, so although I’m hoping to be back in Chile soon, I shouldn’t be too set on that. That’s what I hope for, but if not… It will all work out. “But if not…” When you have a chance, read Daniel 3:16-18.
I think that sometimes life is hard & unpredictable, but I love the attitude of Shadrach, Meshach, & Abed-nego. They knew God could rescue them. “But if not,” they vowed, they would still serve God anyway. To me that’s worthy of emulation.
It’s been really hard to be here. Sometimes I feel embarrassed or out of place. I wonder why I’m here because I’m not dying. Mostly I just want to be on my mission right now, but I know it’s not really about comfort or ease. It’s about growing & learning, & becoming, which often is neither comfortable or easy.
Sometimes it really is dark & I feel so lost in this situation, but in reality that’s not the case. If I feel that way it’s just me being blind. He’s there & I’m learning that’s the only way through this (or anything for that matter), more constant, fervent communication with Heavenly Father & more understanding of the Atonement, as I remember all is made right & all is made possible through Jesus Christ. I’ve learned & grown so much on my mission & that’s what this is too, an opportunity to grow. Just a little different mission.